– I HAVE QUESTIONS FOR YOU. FIRST QUESTION IS, HOW MANY
OF YOU LIKE TO GO SHOPPING? DO YOU LIKE TO SHOP? [cheers and applause] AND–OH, I’M NOT SENDING YOU
ANYWHERE. DON’T GET– [laughter] NEXT QUESTION IS,
HOW MANY OF YOU LIKE TO DRINK? [cheers and applause] AH. HOW MANY OF YOU ALREADY STARTED
DRINKING EARLIER TODAY? [cheers and applause] YEAH. ALL RIGHT. WELL, HERE’S GOOD NEWS: NOW YOU
CAN DO BOTH AT THE SAME TIME. HAVE YOU HEARD ABOUT THIS?
THERE’S A TREND NOW. THERE’S STORES LIKE NORDSTROM
AND URBAN OUTFITTERS AND BROOKS BROTHERS, THEY’RE PUTTING BARS
IN THE MIDDLE OF THEIR STORES. YES. [cheers and applause] WHAT TOOK SO LONG FOR THAT
TO HAPPEN? THAT’S REALLY A GREAT IDEA, THAT YOU CAN DRINK AND SHOP
AT THE SAME TIME. BUT SOME STORES ARE TAKING IT
TOO FAR. I WALKED INTO THIS STORE
LAST WEEK, AND THERE WERE, LIKE, HALF-NAKED
WOMEN STANDING AT THE DOOR AND IMMEDIATELY OFFERED ME
A SHOT, AND I WAS LIKE, “THIS IS CRAZY!” AND THEY WERE LIKE,
“THIS IS HOOTERS!” AND I WAS LIKE, “OH. UH-OH.
WRONG STORE.” I THOUGHT IT WAS
A CUTE OWL STORE. I WAS GOING IN
TO BUY SOME OWL STUFF. ON THE OTHER HAND,
IT COULD BE A GOOD IDEA. YOU REALLY–LET’S BE HONEST.
IS IT REALLY SMART? I MEAN, YOU’RE TRYING ON SKINNY
JEANS AND BATHING SUITS– I MEAN, YOU HAVE A FEW SHOTS
OF TEQUILA IN YOU, AND YOU DON’T KNOW
WHAT YOU LOOK LIKE ANYMORE. “AH, THIS LOOKS GOOD.” SHOPPING CAN BE STRESSFUL. THERE’S THAT
FLUORESCENT LIGHTING. IT MAKES YOU LOOK SAD. CONSTANTLY HAVING DEBBIE OR LUCY OR WHATEVER
THE SALES LADY’S NAME IS BRING YOU THE RIGHT SIZE. “NO, ONE SIZE UP, I GUESS.
I DON’T KNOW. ALL RIGHT, LET’S TRY
THE TWO SIZES UP THEN.” THEN YOU HAVE TO FIND
THE GOOD MIRROR. YOU KNOW WHAT I’M TALKING ABOUT,
‘CAUSE… THE ONE THAT MAKES YOUR BUTT
LOOK MORE KARDASHIANIST OR SOMETHING. THEN YOU ONCE YOU FINALLY FIND
SOMETHING THAT YOU LIKE, YOU NOTICE IT LOOKS BETTER
ON THE MANNEQUIN, AND YOU’RE LIKE, “WHY DOES THAT
LOOK BETTER ON THE MANNEQUIN?” YOU KNOW WHY? ‘CAUSE THEIR ARMS DON’T BEND SO THEY CAN’T SHOVEL CINNABUNS
INTO THEIR MOUTH LIKE… THAT’S WHY. [cheers and applause] I’M TELLING YOU. ONCE THEY START MAKING
MANNEQUINS WITH ARMS THAT BEND, THEY’RE GONNA GET FAT,
THOSE MANNEQUINS. ANYWAY, THERE ARE ALSO PLENTY
OF REASONS WHY DRUNK SHOPPING COULD BE BAD. THINK ABOUT YOUR LIFE. HOW MANY OF YOU HAVE MADE GOOD
DECISIONS WHILE YOU’RE DRUNK? YOU GET DRUNK; YOU END UP
TEXTING YOUR EX. YOU GET DRUNK; YOU END UP
CUTTING YOUR OWN BANGS. YOU GET DRUNK; YOU END UP
WITH THINGS THAT ARE PERMANENT– A BABY. SO WHO KNOWS WHAT
YOU’RE GONNA END UP BUYING IF YOU’RE TIPSY? ONE TIME I HAD A DRINK
AND I WENT TO COSTCO, AND I BOUGHT A PILLOW
THAT I THOUGHT WAS THE MOST COMFORTABLE THING
I EVER PUT MY HEAD ON. I WOKE UP IN THE MORNING.
IT WAS A SNOW TIRE. I HAD BOUGHT– IN MY BED, A GIANT SNOW TIRE
WITH CHAINS AND… OH. I DON’T KNOW
ABOUT DRUNK SHOPPING. THERE’S ONE THING THAT PEOPLE
LIKE TO DO AFTER A FEW DRINKS. YOU KNOW WHAT I’M TALKING ABOUT? YEAH. [cheers and applause] HOW DARE YOU? I’M TALKING ABOUT DANCING.