So you just had a
baby how long ago? Three months. Three months? OK– Fresh. Fresh, (LAUGHING)
fresh out the body. [LAUGHTER] So you have a
three-month-old, and then how old is the first one? A two-year-old. And boy, that’s a lot. It’s a lot. And the two-year-old was
very jealous at first. Oh yeah, there they are. The internet is a lie, that’s
not how my life really is. [LAUGHTER] The two-year-old was
so jealous at first. And when my– [LAUGHTER] Oh, there we go. That’s real life. That’s real life. [LAUGHTER] When the new baby came,
my toddler was like, mama. She wanted to be a
baby all over again. She was like, I want to
drink milk from your boobies. [LAUGHTER] And I was like,
the fact that you can complete that entire
sentence disqualifies you. [LAUGHTER] That and your full set of teeth. [LAUGHTER] I mean, having a
two-year-old is really hard. I feel like I’m
in a relationship with an emotionally
unstable woman who is also physically abusive and
never gets in trouble for it. She kicked me in the neck today
for rationing her Thin Mint intake. [LAUGHTER] So any time you see
pictures of us smiling, (WHISPERING it’s lies. It’s a lie? Yeah. Your whole thing on
breastfeeding is hilar– I was crying laughing. I was crying, it’s so hilarious. And so you have two kids now. And I was joking about
it being a thing, but will you have
more, do you think? No, I’m done. You are? I love being a mom, and
I like having two kids. But I’ve had two C-sections
and I have suffered enough. That’s my favorite mantra
when it comes to motherhood. I have suffered enough. Whenever I feel mom guilt,
or when I feel pressure to be a better
mom, to cook salmon on a bed of quinoa for my
kids, I just think to myself, I have suffered enough. [LAUGHTER] Yeah, and then I feel– [APPLAUSE] Yeah, it’s enough. And then I feel fine
about feeding my toddler a bag of chips for dinner. Yeah. You know, so I had a
C-section, and that’s major, major surgery. Yeah! And one of my friends
was pressuring me to not take painkillers for fear
that some of the medication would pass through
the breast milk. And I was like, thank you,
but I have suffered enough. [LAUGHTER] And it was fine. The Vicodin helped
the baby sleep better. Yes! [LAUGHTER] Smart, smart. [APPLAUSE] Yeah. Oh, you’re so funny. Your husband is actually– what does he do for a living? He is the vice president of this
like, multimillion dollar tech company. OK. Yeah. And yet when you are on
tour, he sells your merch? Yes! OK. Because I have to lure
him to coming with me. And it’s like it’s become this
fun eccentric hobby of his to sell posters after the show. And I talk a lot
about him in my act, so it’s like this kind
of meet and greet, because I don’t go out there. And he sells posters, and
he wears like, workout gear. He wears a towel, because
he’s like sweating. Do you have a picture
of him selling posters? Yes, it’s huge. Look at that sea of humanity! That’s a lot of– That’s him in the white
shirt, and there’s just like a sea of
humanity coming at him. And then there’s some
women who proposition him. Yes, and I’m like,
bullsh– aren’t you supposed to be my fan? Yeah! [LAUGHTER] You coming to snatch my husband? Oh, my god! Yeah! But, you know. They proposition him
after watching your show and going to get your
poster? (LAUGHING) Yeah. That’s unbelievable. But he’s just like, sure, yeah,
I’ll go on a date with you, and just takes their money. Oh my. He’s like, next. That’s hilarious. All right, so you have
two Netflix specials, and yet you do not
have a Netflix account? No. I’m still like,
super-duper cheap. Because I was like,
so poor for so long and struggling as a comic,
that I just can’t let go. So I will probably–
unless they give me one– I’m never probably going
to get my own account. See, I was poor growing up,
and I had the opposite effect. Because when I was poor,
and I just was like, I am never going to have
that attitude about money. I am always going to
just get what I want. I’m going to do what I want. Because I know
there’s an abundance, and I will always have enough. And that’s how I live my life. You shouldn’t live your
life in fear of money, because you’re going
to manifest that. But I am going to give you a
year’s subscription to Netflix. (YELLING) Oh yeah! [CHEERING] But I don’t know where it is. I don’t have it. [APPLAUSE] I don’t have that, but also– Amazing. You flash your underwear. And so the next time
you’re going to do that– Thank you! All right. But no, I don’t have it. But I am going to give
you a year’s subscription. Was it on top of the underwear? What? Was it on top of the underwear? Andy, no? [LAUGHTER] [INAUDIBLE] OK, Andy. We have another one coming. OK, great. Smooth as can be here. Ali Wong, Hard Knock Life will
be available Mother’s Day, May 13th on Netflix. [MUSIC PLAYING] Hi, I’m Andy. Ellen asked me to remind you
to subscribe to her channel so you can see more
awesome videos, like videos of me getting scared or
saying embarrassing things, like ball peen hammer. And also some videos of
Ellen and other celebrities, if you’re into
that sort of thing. [SCREAMING] Ah! [BLEEP] God [BLEEP]!