– Oh, his laugh. – Her smile. – His ambition. – The way she looks at me when
we wake up. – His teeth. – Her teeth. – You like my teeth? – I love your teeth. – Come and get my teeth. – I love watching people kiss. I’m Martin Whistlebottom, CEO of
Soulmate, the app that finds your perfect
match. It’s not a list of potential
dates, it’s one person, your soulmate. – I want you inside me. – Will I get to watch you
kiss them on the lips? Oh, gosh, I’d sure like to. Stop swiping, stop
searching, start loving. – We found ours. – Find yours. – Soulmate. Find yours. – Kortiri? – [Kortiri] Hi Seth. – Go to the marketplace
and download Soulmate. – [Kortiri] Downloading now. – Welcome to Soulmate. Find
yours. Before beginning, please
carefully read the Terms of– – Agree. – Great. Soulmate works by analyzing
your browser history. Do we have your permission– – Yes. – Great. Can we take a photo of you for
your match? – Uh, yeah, let me just, uh– – Great. Finding your true
Soulmate is just one step away. To match, just say “find mine”. – Find mine. – Great. Here goes. (escalating music) No match found. – Redo the search. (escalating music) – No match found. – Redo the search. (escalating music) – No match found. – See? – It matches everybody,
I don’t understand. – I called the company and
complained and the girl who answered hung
up. She said I was screwing with
her. – Some girls like that. (man and woman laugh) – Whatever, there’s no
way it really works. – Are you kidding me? It’s how we met. – Yeah. I don’t know anyone who
didn’t meet through Soulmate anymore. I mean, look. – Gross. – Oh, you’re just being bitter. – Yeah, you’re being a bitter
boy. You’re being like a bitter… Like if, like, you’re being
bitter– Like if you were a… – Yeah, you got it babe. – Okay. – You got something… – Oh, like a black coffee! – There you go! You’re a black coffee boy. (man and woman laugh) – Here we go, three Cabernets. Did I hear you say you
wanted a black coffee? – No, evidently I’m being
a “black coffee boy”. – Oh. Well, that’s too bad, ’cause I only serve green tea
boys. (everyone laughs) – Oh no, oh. You can’t have
Cabernet with tomato sauce. – Ugh, all right. Other than being a weird dick
about wine, you’re a good guy and you’ll
find a match. Go to the company and complain. – What, like, go to the
corporate headquarters? No. I’m not that desperate. I will find someone without
some– (loud kissing) (energetic pop music) (loud kissing) – Excuse me. (kissing noisily) Excuse me! – Oh! – Welcome to Burger King. (employees laugh) Sorry. Um, eh-hem. Welcome to Soulmate. Find yours. – Um, my app isn’t working. – Um, sir, you’re gonna want
to talk to technical support. This is a business where work is
done, so. – Get ’em, Paul. – I love you. – I love you so much. – I love you. – I did. I don’t have a match. – Make the call. – It happened. – Mr. Whistlebottom? – So, you’re the boy without a
match? – Hi. Um, your app is broken. (Martin laughs) – Have a seat. Do you want a
bourbon? No, that’s right, I read your
data. You like wine, don’t you? – Your app is broken. – No it isn’t. – But you said, in your
commercial, you said that there was
someone for everyone. – Well, yeah, just not for you. You’re not quite right for
anybody. You’re the seven billionth
wheel. The world’s second best. – What’s wrong with me? – Nothing! I mean, except for the kind of
a dick about the wine thing. But no, it’s just that
you don’t fit anybody. – I want love. – Well sure, sure you do. Love
is great. Think of it this way. You get to be the
fun-loving single friend. The guy who throws the bachelor
parties, who takes the husbands
out on guys night out, who gets drugs for the couple on
holidays. – That’s the most depressing
thing I’ve ever heard in my life. Aren’t there any single
women who don’t use your app? – Well, coma patients. My heart really goes out
to you, son, it does. You know, I wish there was
something I could do for you. Except, I can refund you the
$20.00 you spent on the app. You cash this at First National, they know me pretty well over
there, if you catch my drift. – That’s it? – Oh, chin up, young man. Love is a game for fools and
scoundrels. – Who said that? – Well, I did. So, be well. All right, there’s the door. Might as well go through it, because you’re really depressing
me. – You could try dudes. – Are you just wearing
underwear? – Why would I get dressed? I didn’t realize it, but
everything I do in my life is to get into a relationship. And now that I know that’s off
the table, like, know, I kinda don’t
care about anything. – Here we go. Can I get
you anything else to drink? – A whole bottle of wine. – Uh, any particular kind? – Whatever’s cheap. – Okay. – Well, something rustic. – I can’t watch this. You turned into like a… You were kinda like a, like a– – Okay. It’s cheap but
it’s got a nice spice to it and cherry in the mid-pallet. – Oh, oh, oh. – Um, excuse me. I’m sorry if this is forward
but after your shift, would you like to get a
drink with my friend here? (sniffs loudly) – Oh, I have a boyfriend. – Okay. How about just as
friends? – Sure. Okay, yeah. Probably be a good story. – Oh, good, another friend. – It’ll get you out of the
house. – Yeah, man. Gotta get
out of the the house or you’re gonna turn into like
a… Like a… – Like a… – Like a. – Like a… – Like a. – Like a! – Like a? – Oh, I like-a you. I like-a you, I like-a— (loud kissing) – [Man] I love-a! I love-a! – [Woman] I love-a, I love-a! – And the good thing is that in
Florida, there’s always someone nearby
who knows how to wrestle an alligator. – Or point you towards the
nearest wrap-around sunglasses store? – Right, yeah. There’s a great
one over on Water Street, actually. – Oh, I’ll bet. – Where are you from? – Ohio. – Oh. – Hi. – Oh! – Ahaha. (she laughs) – Can I get you guys something? – I’ll take an earthy Pinot, maybe something from
the Willamette Valley
if you’ve got it, otherwise a Burgundy. – [Bartender] And for you? – Same. – Nice guy. – So, you met your boyfriend on
Soulmate? – Yeah, uh, Tim. He’s pretty
awesome. – Oh, good. – And you? You, uh, obviously prefer
boxers. – Do you ever think about what
it was like before Soulmate? How can I- er, um… How did people find love? – I guess they just roamed
around and hoped for the best, right? They would meet and go on dates and then they’d make things work even if it wasn’t totally
perfect. I guess that’s what I’d do
if my boyfriend ever died. That’s a horribly dark thing to
say. – And here we go. – Thank you. Well hey, this is fun. To pals. – To pals. (glasses clink) (cheerful music) – Great nose. (car screeching) (thunder) – [Voiceover] Having
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